Being an adult losing my innocence
Being an adult losing my innocence, a life-changing coming of age story that is life. Being independent, being able to support one. Being vulnerable to the world and not under my mothering comfort wing. This experience was one that makes you who you are, whether it was an impulse or shedding old skin; this was my mother's first step into adulthood.
I notify my mom about the interview I'll conduct on her, her expression was flattered as she jotted through the countless memories in her mind. I gave her time, this was early in the morning and I couldn’t kill my desire for coffee. Once the creamy brown liquid was in my mug I continued, asking her again “What was the first time you felt like an adult ?” She was ready and continued in a determined tone.
“I was working 2 jobs right outta high school, going to college full time and decided I needed more of a challenge in my life. I went online and started researching cities I wanted to relocate to and apartments I found an apartment in Vegas I knew I could afford.”
Age of 19, and frankly impulsive and sick of nothing new she pleased for a challenge.
I was shocked because personally I could never imagine acting upon impulse and taking risks. My slow handwriting all the dialog was filling me with suspense, once it was all written she continued.
“So within a month I had quit both my jobs and school and packed up and moved to Vegas. Moving out there without a job, and never seeing my apartment and not knowing the city I realized I had a lot of responsibility on my plate.”
Shedding stability to take part in growing up, not having to ask and hear the pounding weighted “No” left afterward. Imagining not have to ask permission, have control simultaneously losing it. Now having to adapt to a new system of ethics, ones that she is passing down to me. Knowing my time will be in a mere four years is terrifying. So distraught at the idea I was anxious to know what happened next, for future references.
“I am on my own, wondering where my mother was when I got the keys to my place. Looking in the pantry cuz I couldn't hear anything over the growling of my stomach, to find emptiness. With my scrap $2 I went to Pizza Hut and got cheese sticks and chips. Carb loaded dinner, felt like a broke college kid. One who is eating the bare minimum to stay alive, but wanting to prove a point and stick to my decision. And those greasy breadsticks and chips were mainly my meals for the next 5 months.”
Shocked to think about how life is so cruel and the only way you can survive is by the amount of green paper you own. Fearing that I might have to go through that, this process of growing up or coming of age per se is molding your life if you mess up there's no going back. Time is continuous and there is no way it would stop or counter wise for an individual decision. So obviously she needed the money and needed it now, bills are due and my grandparents were not too keen on playing all of them. Continuing, ignoring the pinching cramp in my hand, I asked, “How did you get money?”
She responded, laughing almost, questioning if she’d have to censor herself. Made me a little concerned, questioning what she meant by that. My mom knows me well enough to know where my mind went to, but she immediately terminated that idea and continued.
“The time came to find income, its Vegas money is everywhere. The time came to my interview, my mind scattered and I'm broke. So I lied, I lied about having past experiences “faking it till I make it”. This was a nice ass fine dining restaurant, and miraculously, I became a server there. The whole serving world was insane, this customer is bitching about not having his “extra” dressing that I said id get 3 minutes ago. Then you have the single mom with her 3-year-old screaming, wanting to tell them to shut up. Constant anxiety “ if I mess up it comes outta my pay“. Then my boss, (she was a bitch by the way) she was all talking shit about how I was complaining about how I didn't get all my money on my paycheck. Like mind you these people have money, and I am broke so I need all my damn dollars. So I confronted her and pretty much said “Fuck off I quit”, acting on impulse, I realized I’d fucked myself over on that. I went to my car balling my eyes out calling Doug, the reassurance he gave me changed me. Knowing that your life can be hell and stressful, the family will always save your ass.”
This took me by surprise how she let her emotions take over, lashing out and immaturity. I have never seen my mom as this uptight prim and proper lady, she’s honest, open, and truthful. However her teachings now are to stick with it and not quit or lash out when angry, it showed perspective and insight to my future.
Age doesn't determine your maturity,n your maturity is given to you when you realize you're not the sun. This loss of innocence isn't saddening its a new beginning of decisions. When that moment of realization hits you your mindset changes and how you perceive it is powerful.